Joan Nelson

 Joan Nelson — Six Months to Live

Joan Nelson got a sentence from her doctor that we all fear: Her cancer had recurred and spread, and she had six months to live. She could extend that time (perhaps) if she tried surgery and chemotherapy, but at 81 years old, she decided it would be too debilitating, with benefits too uncertain. So she faced her sentence: “You have six months to live.” What would you do with your last six months?

I asked Joan this exact question, and she gave me four points that continually run through her answers:  

(1)  Involve your family early 

(2)  “Normalize death” for friends and family 

(3)  Use your time to help others and evolve yourself 

(4)  Leave a legacy of love even AFTER your death 

Here are her answers in more depth. My questions are in bold.

What is the secret of a “meaningful death”? 

To live a meaningful life, use every moment you have. I have had three husbands who died with me, and I was a chaplain in the AIDS Project, so I had a chance to see what works and what doesn’t near the end of life. People who avoid thinking about death until it’s too late don’t do as well as people who plan ahead and involve their loved ones. Death is an important part of life, and we should start to normalize death for ourselves and others we will leave behind. Lots of people assume that I should slow down near death, but I want to speed toward the finish line.

How have you involved your family in your death? 

I began preparing my family years ago, telling them what I wanted my death to be like, completing my Health Care Power of Attorney. It can be difficult for some people to raise the issue with kids, and some kids will avoid and not want to talk about it. The best way to break the ice is to get them to play the card game GoWish, where each person in the family draws a card that is a wish of someone near the end of life, such as “not being short of breath,” or “having loved ones nearby.” The player then sorts the cards into “important to me,” “somewhat important,” or “not at all important.” It’s a fun way of getting the whole family to talk about end of life and what is important to them. The game is available at www.GoWish.org or I have decks for $10 you can buy here. When you talk about dying, you are giving a gift to your family that they will always remember. It is especially precious when children have a chance to tell their parents that they love them before they die. Even if your child is estranged from you, your death actually gives you more power to ask for reconnection and forgiveness. One of my kids lives in South Carolina and is active in a conservative church there. I sent him an e-mail about having six months to live. He immediately wrote back and said he had started praying for me. Not only that, he told his whole congregation, and they are all sending good wishes and prayers for me. Even though I don’t agree with his religion, we could still come together and bond over this. 

You said earlier that we should normalize death for ourselves and others. How are you doing that?

 I talk about it early and often to my family and my friends. When I turned 80, I hosted my own FUNeral, inviting over 100 people to the clubhouse, where we celebrated life. Then I got into my “casket” and got to hear all the wonderful things people will say about me. Why wait until we are dead when we can’t hear all those lovely things people will say about us?? Also, I made out early my Living Trust and Will out early. Lastly, I notice that after people die, the family bears the burden of going through all their possessions, not sure of what to throw out or what others might want to keep. So I got my family together one day, and we went through the entire house. Each person got to put a label on things they wanted to keep, and the rest got thrown out. A wonderful book on how to do this is by Margaret Magnusson The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning: How to Free Yourself and Your Family from a Lifetime of Clutter.

Do you believe that consciousness continues AFTER you die? 

There are only two logical possibilities: Either I will vanish into oblivion, or my consciousness will continue in some way. Right now, I am looking at the option where I can make a difference. My intention after death is to continue to help others and to evolve myself. I know I can do that BEFORE I die, and I intend to keep on doing it AFTER I die, if it’s possible. Most religions believe that we can continue to help others on earth after we die, and if any of those religions are right, I will make the most of it. Beyond that, we can leave little things behind us that benefit others: My third husband when he was dying gave me a surprise gift of a clock that sings a different bird song every hour. I’d been complaining to my husband that there weren’t enough birds in the neighborhood. So he gave me this surprise gift when he was dying, joking, “I will haunt you every hour on the hour!” There are lots of ways I can leave a legacy that continues after me. I have helped lots of people, and they will all continue to benefit from my love even after I am gone. 

Do you have more to do on your “bucket list?”

IF I could live longer, I would keep on learning the ukulele, and I would take up painting. But now that death is so near, the one thing that will make my life meaningful is to normalize death for other people, and to raise awareness that consciousness is all there is.

We are all one.   ■

See https://marinvalley.net/aging/wake-up-and-die-right-manifesto/ for Joan’s extended version of this article.